Didn't see that coming

Didn't see that coming

Apparently my brother and his wife have decided to get a divorce. I guess that sort of thing can be expected when people reach a certain age. However, I still can't help but feel shocked about the whole matter. They had been married for almost ten year and my sister-in-law was actually in the middle of planning a rereading of their wedding vows.

I guess if they had decided this was a mutual thing, then fine. However, if appears my brother had been cheating on his wife for quite a while. He had gotten a bit brazen about the whole thing (e.g. not coming home for hours, and texting all hours of the day). I guess my sister-in-law finally discovered the whole thing. She even talked to the woman in question, who told her, "If you took care of him, he wouldn't need to come to me." Certainly not the most original thing said in such a situation. My S-I-L asked my brother to stop seeing the other woman and offered to forgive him (apparently, she was unfaithful several years ago too). My brother said he couldn't give this other woman up.

This other lady apparently has two children that are in their late teenage stage. I feel bad for them in being in this whole mess. My brother is not good with children. I think that may have been one of the driving forces that put a wedge between him and his soon to be ex-wife. Apparently, he forced himself on her (questioning this) the last time they were together and told her "Maybe you got pregnant now you dumb, fat, bitch" (I totally believe this). Anyway, I can't imagine he will be a positive force in the lives of these children.

My mother apparently has been in the middle of this. She forgives my brother as she always does and apparently knew about this situation long before anyone else. Yeah, my family is more than a little screwed up. My mother told my wife that my brother is being drugged and that's why he's with this other woman. That's certainly insane, but it's even more insane when you consider that's exactly the same thing she said about me and my girlfriend in high school, because she couldn't accept the fact I might like such a person ( i.e. she didn't live up to my mother's standards). At least my mother and father (who has acted appropriately in this situation) have the good sense not to want to see this new woman. My brother is insisting on it at the earliest time of convenience. His wife just moved out no more a a day or two ago.

I'm disappointed in my brother. It's not really even because the cheating thing. Yeah, it's bad judgement, but these things happen to a lot of couples. People fall in and out of love. That I do understand. My disappoint is more because this fits two patterns in his life that he has not changed. The first pattern is his inability to live in the present. It's always the next house, the next car, the next girl that will make him happy. I do not understand why he thinks outside forces can make a person whole. Real happiness will always come from within. Trying to acquire it by looking for the next new thing is a new ending task that will never lead to happiness. This has also made his live beyond his means in many cases and rack up a nice amount of debt more than once.

The second pattern is that he is unable to simply end a relationship and then decide what to do with his life. He left his high school girlfriend to be with another girl during college. They basically came over to my house and fought over him. I had friends over at the time for our garage band practice. I remember being very embarrassed by the whole thing. After that he left his college girlfriend to be with his now wife. She had no idea he was living with someone at the time. Once she did find out, she told him to figure it out and simply would not allow herself to be part of such a thing. And now he's done the same thing again.

My brother has terrible impulse control. It's lead to some pretty bad things, including totaling his car on the freeway because he was drunk (he managed to get out of that by having a friend pick him up before the police came) I can guarantee you this isn't the first time he's cheated on his wife. I'm sure he's done scores of other things that I don't care to know about.

So, it's been the same thing again and again. He's a 40 year old man and he's not changed his patterns in 25 years of life. I simply don't understand how someone can go through life so blind to reality for so long. Time to grow up.

I know this sounds like a high horse, but I don't claim to be perfect. I'm done some stupid things over the years. But I learned from my mistakes and issues. I turned them into learning experiences and have let them change me for the better. It's about growing up and maturing. I guess I took it for granted that everyone does this.

My grandmother is going in for surgery on her kidney (she has one) and breasts over the next few weeks. She's 92 and has cancer in both locations. I pray she is well (although she realizes she's been very fortunate in life and is ready to go when it's time) because she is a really good woman. But additionally, I cannot stand the idea of needing to return home for a funeral and having to deal with this mess too. I suppose I will have to face it at some point, but I can't imagine being extremely charitable about the whole thing.